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Dear Lord, where do I begin?
Okay, everyone knows that my not so secret vice is Pride and Prejudice adaptations. My favorites are ones where Darcy and Elizabeth show their love for each other (umm, get there grove on, have sex, do the nasty). However, nothing prepared me for this.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: HIDDEN LUSTS was crazy for coco puffs, completely lacking in reason and common sense. Yet, I was entertained. Granted my entertainment was more along the lines of "Dear Lord, no she didn't. Dear Lord, no this isn't happening. Dear Lord, this is the stupidest, craziest, thing I have ever read. Dear Lord, this is Pride and Prejudice, is nothing scared?" Yet, I couldn't stop reading.
The only way I can make my review coherent, or for you to understand what I mean is to go character by character and give you their sexual vices. This is full of spoilers, because I'm giving you each characters kinks.
BEWARE OF CONTINUING: THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT AT HEART. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. LOL.
Mr. Bennet: He loves to enter woman in their 'hind quarters.' Since Mrs. Bennet refused to do this, he has discovered special drawings of woman with things sticking out of their hindquarters. When he is in the library ignoring his family he is getting himself off and bankrupting his family by paying for these pictures. He eventually gets tired of the pictures and carves out a piece of butternut squash to resemble a woman's internal parts (I'm trying to be delicate here, people!) where he sticks his wee wee. Of course, he is so exuberant that the squash is quickly destroyed, so he ends up banging Mrs. Hill.
Mrs. Bennet: Mrs. Bennet's love of officers back in the day resulted in Jane. Horrified by her husband's sexual impulses, she goes and buys potions from the gypsy's which makes her crazy for coco puffs and goggly-eyed.
Caroline Bingley: It was weird because the author had her addressed as Lady Caroline, with no reason why? Caroline loves to take a switch to men's booty's while the man is attending to her vajayjay with his mouth. Her best customer is Mr. Hurst, though she really wants Mr. Darcy but he keeps refusing her, which is driving her crazy.
Charles Bingley: He has a thing for Mr. Darcy. His favorite occupation is getting Darcy drunk and then while Darcy is passed out climbing in Darcy's bed and sucking on Darcy's weewee.
Lady Catherine: She is a Dom. When people don't do what she thinks they should do, she puts them in stockades and whips them while she's wearing some weird black get up.
Mr. Collins: Is gay. His favorite past time is running about sucking on other men's wee wees so vigorously that he knocks out his teeth.
Charlotte Lucas: Is gay. She wants Lizzy, but Lizzy is too clueless to realize it, despite Charlotte constantly feeling her up. She has others who she is involved with but can't get over her craving for Lizzy.
Mr. Wickham: He ended up running off with Georgiana. He used her money to open up several whorehouses and sent Georgiana to go and work in them, where Darcy found out and rescued her. He is in the militia recruiting. He tells Elizabeth that it's Darcy who was the owner and Darcy who sent Georgiana off to work in them.
Lydia Bennet: Likes to get off humping inanimated objects to her family's horror. She also humps officers, two and three at a time. She runs off with Wickham and when they are forced to marry, she has no problem working in Mr. Wickham's place of business.
Mary Bennet: Tries to attract Mr. Collins attention by stuffing apples down her dress. She also goes to the gypsy's for potions that has adverse effects.
Jane Bennet: Is in love with Mr. Bingley and doesn't understand why when she accepts his proposal that Mr. Bingley throws her down and enters her 'hind quarters' and calls out Darcy's name.
Elizabeth Bennet: Once she meets Mr. Wickham she starts finding stuff to insert inside her to get herself off. She doesn't seem to get that Lydia is a hussy despite all the noises she makes in her room and what she does to any piece of furniture she passes.
Fitzwilliam Darcy: When he proposes to Elizabeth the first time he takes out his wee wee and strokes it, which prompts Elizabeth to umm . . . kiss it until the desired result occurs. LOL. I couldn't read that scene without thinking of Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle doing the same thing.
Okay, can you understand why I thought PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: HIDDEN LUSTS was crazy for coco puffs?
Despite all the erotica (and this is erotica and not an erotic romance), and my horror/fascination at the way such beloved characters were protrayed, it was still flat for me. It's because there was a lack of emotion. It was all about the sex and not about any emotions between Darcy and Elizabeth. I couldn't feel the deep connection that Darcy and Elizabeth have with each other. So despite my google eyed read, I was in the end disappointed.